January 2012
1 post
“Giving a speech once, I was asked by parents what to do about their kids who...”
– Roger Ebert’s review of “The Artist”
December 2011
2 posts
November 2011
1 post
September 2011
2 posts
Emigration
Growing up in the tiny eastern European country of Flavonia, all young Yuri had ever dreamed of was to one day visit the United States, and he would, in his own words, do anything to make that dream a reality. On a particularly cold, bleak Flavonian night, under the influence of cheap Flavonian alcohol, Yuri stowed away in the wheel well of a New York City-bound jet. After a frigid,...
You know you have adjusted to fatherhood when...
improvisingfatherhood:
Faced with the choice of doing the dishes or changing a diaper, you go with changing diaper.
But seriously, wiping one butt or a dozen dishes? No contest.
July 2011
1 post
“It’s hell gettin’ old and ugly.”
– The witness in today’s deposition.
May 2011
1 post
April 2011
2 posts
Super G & MJ: On Government Shutdowns
MJ: Has the government shut down yet? I'm just dying to defy the Celler-Kefauver Act.
Super G: No, it won't be official until midnight. I'll admit my ignorance, what's the Celler-Kefauver Act?
MJ: 1950's antitrust legislation. It strengthens the Clayton Antitrust Act. I just picked a congressional act at random off a list.
Super G: Sounds like a good one to violate. Going to dominate the litigation support industry in Houston?
MJ: No way. That's small potatoes. I'm going to invent "blob integration". That's when you integrate horizontally and vertically at an accelerated rate. Essentially buy up everything you possibly can like it's going out of style. My goal is to have a superconglomerate by Monday morning that makes Berkshire Hathaway's portfolio look as sophisticated as a roadside fruit stand.
Super G: Sounds like a plan. We can start tonight.
MJ: I'll polish my monocle and top hat. I'll also prepare a Teddy Roosevelt effigy and rent a steamroller. Just for symbolism's sake.
Tunnel System Haiku
Inspired by my latest trip through the Houston Tunnel System.
Cubical zombies Searching for flesh to feast on From a luncheonette.
February 2011
4 posts
“Why do they keep letting him (Andy Rooney) on TV? He must have a clause in his...”
– My wife.
To set this up, I'm wearing a track jacket that says "Ireland" across the front that I bought at Target a few years back. Add to this that I'm one of two gringos (the other is the roughneck, referenced below, who is wearing a jacket from a drilling company based out of Longview, Tx) in the Seguin Whataburger, and from this awkward, potentially violent hilarity abounds! So after the roughneck made things uncomfortable by staring at my jacket for a good two minutes while we were in line, he speaks up:
Roughneck: Hey Ireland. You from there or somethin'?
Me: Nope.
Roughneck: Well why you wearin' that jacket then?
Me: I saw it in the store and I liked it. So I bought it. You from Longview?
Roughneck: No, my co-
Me: Then why're you wearing that jacket?
Roughneck (stammers): Well...I...man, that ain't right.
At that point, he furiously knocked his cup and orange number off the counter, muttered something, picked it up, and stormed off.
“Have your own hanging garden. It’s like a mini-Babylon.”
– Chris, on the Topsy-Turvy (as seen on TV).
I was predestined to slam calvos
Chris: I'm a total Calvinist when I write.
Me: That's OK. You're putting Calvinism where it belongs, in the realm of fiction.
January 2011
1 post
“He is showing us the plan for a Christian church that is much more than an...”
– AB Simpson - A Larger Christian Life
December 2010
2 posts
“The only way to battle a thief is to out-write and out-create them…the...”
– Patton Oswalt, on plagarism
“I’m going to go back in time and I’m going to prevent Nixon from...”
– Chris Jackson
November 2010
4 posts
“As often as I could, I placed myself as a worshiper before him, fixing my mind...”
– Brother Lawrence, on worship
Why I'm friends with Scroggins:
I knew Krys Scroggins and I would be friends way back in 9th grade history class, when he called the population of Mussolini’s Italy a bunch of “backstabbing bastards”.
Movies I Dislike: (500) Days of Summer
Because I enjoy nothing more than to tear down others’ work (hence my appreciation for MST3K), I proudly present what I hope to be the first in a series of many entries about the movies that I can’t stand. Enjoy.
(500) Days of Summer is by far the weakest entry to date of the “Twilight saga”, and to say…wait, I’m now being told that Summer isn’t a...
How do you create Godly, worshipful art? What makes The Great Divorce a masterpiece, whereas Facing the Giants, decent, “family-friendly”, entertainment. What made Pascal a genius, but Thomas Kinkaid is the elevator music of the canvas?
Is it gifting, is it luck? Or is it something deeper, like intent?
October 2010
2 posts
“I miss the old days when you knew election results that night because no one...”
– Chris Jackson
“There is no border that divided,” he said. “Religion and life — it is all the...”
– Arvo Pärt: The Sound Of Spirit
June 2010
1 post
“When an Irishman like David Caruso, with pale skin and red hair, goes to Miami...”
– Craig Ferguson, on CSI: Miami
February 2010
4 posts
“Man finds it hard to get what he wants, because he does not want the best; God...”
– George MacDonald, “Life” (via markshockley)
On terrible middle-of-the-night ideas:
I really hate all those “brilliant” ideas I have in the middle of the night that end up sucking (at best) or being downright horrifying (like last night’s). The latest one involved a rebellious teenage robot that goes on a murderous rampage against humanity after being grounded by one of his scientist “parents”.
January 2010
2 posts
“You’re asking if I can go back in time, time travel? No, I cannot.”
– Witness; Deposition Friday January 29, 2010
“I conceived a mighty desire to receive three wounds in my life. I want the...”
– Lady Julian (from: http://cmunki.net/lionsden/articles/wounds_from_god.htm)
December 2009
3 posts
Kristen: What would be something funny someone would bring back from China?
Me: Cultural revolution.
On small group and various foodstuffs:
Matt: The proof is in the pudding-
Stephen: Wait, what? The proof?
Matt: You've never heard that said? It's an old English phrase.
Stephen: Dude, I'm Mexican. You're going to have to say the truth is in the tamales or something.
Inglorious Music
My Facebook Status: Coming this Spring, "Inglorious Music", Quentin Tarantino's decidedly different (and violent) take on the classic tale of the Von Trapp family. You'll never think of "So Long, Farewell" the same way again after you've seen Maria and Captain von Trapp behead Hitler while the children dismember Goebbels, Eichman, and Himmler. And don't even ask what becomes of Rolf during the reprise of "Sixteen Going On Seventeen". It's too disturbing to even post.
Stewart's Comment: Sabotaging the Luftwaffe and dropkicking Nazis, Strangling Goebbels, well that's a big Yahtzee, Hitler's bullet-riddled body, tied up with string, These are a few of my favorite things.
November 2009
2 posts
“The wrongness of the sinful act lies not merely in its nonconformity, or its...”
– Dr. Karl Menninger
“Oh, what it were to be right sure of thee!
Sure that thou art, and the same as...”
– George MacDonald
October 2009
2 posts
“Bill, it was a different time. It was before they knew the Russians were...”
– Hank Hill
“You don’t see Michael Moore making Fast Food Nation because that man loves...”
– David Cothran
September 2009
5 posts
“Just saw a midget with no legs jumping on a trampoline.”
– A text from my wife, who is currently at the Britney Spears concert.
On washed up celebrities, or, why I love east...
Stewart: So, more washed up celebrities i get to interview. This time: Three Dog Night
MJ: Really? Oh dude, I have an awesome story about them and just how washed up they are.
Stewart: I dunno, it's Three Dog Night, they're all like 70 or dead now.
MJ: So how did you come across the incredibly good fortune of interviewing Three Dog Night?
Stewart: They're coming to the East Texas State Fair.
MJ: Oh dang. Big timers.
Stewart: They'll be playing across from the agriculture magic show, professional sand castle builders, and the self-professed world's tallest juggling leprechaun.
“Time to piss on the fire and call in the dogs.”
– An attorney in my deposition, signifying he was almost through with his questioning.
“If I could have my ministry over again, I would talk more about God. Not about...”
– FW Boreham
August 2009
12 posts
“I can be so rich in my own poverty, or in the awareness of the fact that I am...”
– Oswald Chambers
I’m in Norway…NO WAY!
I’m pretty displeased, especially considering from the airport I can almost make out the Manhattan skyline through the haze.
schickles:
baronvoncrunk:
AWAY TO NEWARK
baha, you’re in jersey.